our spouse has cheated on you. It’s a betrayal and a dishonour to your marriage. Regardless of the reasons, who with, where and how – the fact is it has happened and you have to face that truth.
It’s not a dream nor a nightmare. It’s a fact, and no brushing over it is going to change that. You can’t ignore it or pretend it never happened because the consequences of the betrayal will eat away at you and your marriage until you are forced to face it head on. It is better to face the pain of the reality now.
Anger, hurt, confusion, disappointment, anguish…. As you face the pain of the reality, you’ll feel all of the this and more. The thought that someone else has shared what was special to you and your spouse can almost feel unbearable. It may have been a one off encounter or a lengthy affair, either way the pain is the same.
In my dealings with married couples and in my own experience I am aware of the desire to want to shove the whole ordeal to the back of your mind and almost pretend as if nothing happened. “If we can just go back to before I found out, then everything will be fine. My hopes and dreams wouldn’t be shattered, my family wouldn’t be destroyed and my life would still be intact…somewhat”…Or would it?
Truth is, your life wasn’t in tact. Your marriage has been divisively infiltrated with invite and you just have to accept that it happened so that you can move on from here. The worst thing you can do is continue to live a lie or cover up the things that make you hurt in the hopes that it will go away. It won’t go away until you face it head on and work on rebuilding. To rebuild you have to acknowledge the true state of the fallen unit. Face the pain of the reality.
How Do I Face The Reality?
Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all approach to this. Everyone is different and so the routes to healing is different.
But one thing that will help you is to find someone that you can trust to talk to and be open with. Choose this person wisely as what you don’t want is someone who is going to feed your hurt and anger by adding their own emotional reponse to an already emotionally strained situation. You also don’t want someone who is going to use this as an opportunity to verbally bash your spouse. This again is just going to fuel your anger and misery. Find someone who is a great listener and can be of good sound support to you.
You have to accept the what has happened. Hear what your spouse has to say about it. Ask the questions you want to ask and know that for however long it takes you are now on a path that will require whole lot emotionally, spiritually and physically from both of you.
Be honest about how you feel now! You probably know that you have to forgive at some point but it doesn’t mean that the array of tormenting emotions rushing around your heart and mind are not to be acknowledged. By acknowledging how you feel you first of all give yourself the permission to grieve and also you’re able to start to work through those feelings. Don’t deceive yourself by telling yourself you are ‘O.K.’ when you are not or that you have forgiven when you clearly haven’t.
Denying yourself of the ‘process’ by choosing to sweep under the carpet the things that you don’t like or that hurt you will soon build up and be an obvious mountain of unaddressed mess that will not only destroy you but the marriage that you so desperately want to protect.
Sometimes the only way to overcome the monster in your nightmare is to face it head on. Healing starts from this point.