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  • Writer's pictureAdaeze Chiwoko

3 Habits that Make Couples Unhappy

I love the idea of love and have faith in its power to unite, build, and do awesome things. That’s why I get so much pleasure from the work I do as a Marriage & Relationship Coach helping couples around the globe to radically transform their marriages.

During my time as a coach I have discovered that, as powerful as love is, it will not override habit. A person's habits will always bring about results - good or bad. Bad habits in a relationship will deliver unhappiness, frustration, and a breakdown in intimacy. Good habits in a relationship will deliver unity, deep intimacy, and joy.

In this blog, I want to discuss the habits that tend to make couples unhappy. This list could be endless but I've given you my top three.

  1. Lack of appreciation

It’s human nature to allow a little complacency to slip into our relationship. We stop seeing the wonder of God in our spouse, become very comfortable with the significant role they play in our lives and begin to take their love for granted. Without paying close attention this can happen quite quickly without you recognising it.

The feeling of being unappreciated can cause unhappiness because the person begins to feel unseen and undervalued. They feel like they are not prioritised and that they are unimportant to you. At this point feelings of resentment are likely to begin to build.

Get into the habit of looking for the good and being grateful for what you have today. The big and small things. The things that happen every day. The perceived insignificant things. Really take the time to SEE your spouse. Note their quirks, the special things about them, their good and bad, their strengths and weakness, and appreciate them all. Be grateful for them being in your life.

The moment you stop being grateful, complacency will slip in like a thief in the night and rob you of the joy you once had in your marriage.

I encourage my couples to keep a gratitude journal and write 5 - 10 things that they are grateful for in relation to their spouse and their marriage.

2. Giving Your Attention to Everything Else But Your Marriage.

Life is so busy these days. And when you add in our addiction to social media, the time that couples would ordinarily dedicate to each other has vastly reduced! I put a post on my Facebook page the other day saying this:

“Some people are more intimate with their mobile phones than their spouse.”

Ouch…painful truth.

But it’s not just our phones that we allow to take our attention, friends, family members, church, work, TV, and much more can mean that we feel pulled from pillar to post. Everything and everyone definitely has a place but your marriage is the core of it all and therefore should receive prioritised attention.

Developing the habit of placing the needs of your marriage as an “extra” or “when I have time” burden is one that should be addressed quickly with a shift in mindset.

Begin to practice setting designated time aside for your marriage. Ensure that you are engaging with your spouse and giving them the prioritised attention that they deserve. Remember that whatever you sow will bear fruits. When you sow in time and attention you will gain a flourishing and happy marriage.

3. Not Placing Importance of Your Physical Connection

It’s very common for couples to start their relationship with lots of passion and sex. But again, that whole busyness of life creeps in, children come along and the list of responsibilities increases. This can mean that suddenly sex and physical intimacy can significantly drop down the ladder of importance for either one or both members of the union. After just a few months of neglect, couples can be very surprised at how not having frequent sex can become so much of a habit that it now feels very awkward to kick start their love-life again.

When you consider that sex is one of the key tools God gave each married couple as a bonding agent to spiritually, emotionally, and physically connect a couple, it is not surprising that lack of sex can be the start of the feelings of disconnection within the union.

I would strongly advise you to make a decision to re-ignite the spark in your relationship by being intentional about physical intimacy and your sex life. Using a method that I teach called: ‘Quickies, Spontaneous and Scheduled’ you will begin to turn love-making into a healthy habit for your passion-filled marriage.

What you must not do is ignore this problem and hope that it will sort itself out. It won’t. In fact, you will find that your physical connection will continue to deteriorate unless you address the habit now.

Increase Intimacy In Your Relationship

Want to increase the intimacy in your relationship? Order my book: 'Seven Intimacy Killer'

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